In a Monk's Mind
by Starhopper
Summary: Spend a day in the mind of Miroku as he realizes just what kind of life he's living


In a Monk's Mind  
  
By Starhopper  
  
The wind rattled the rings and his consciousness breathed a new sigh.  
  
It was going to be another long day of missed chances.  
  
Lately it had seemed so near to his touch, it was literally on the tip of his tongue. It sat there like a stone, cold from the lonesome night. Grass had started to grow around its sides. Bitter granite threatened to choke him every time he spoke, swelling to the size of his mouth. It was always just about to finally roll out then he would crunch down on the grain of sand that had grown steadily through the seasons. With snow came a freezing inside that melted each time he felt her warmth. With rain there came a damp ache caused by the digested gravel rumbling about inside his gut. With flower petals he felt the touch of her fingertips against his cheek, a feeling completely imagined because she could never do that. Finally the sun.oh the blessed sun that warmed the stone until it was soft and sweet like a single drop of honey that he savored by mouthing the words in the darkness and security that only pitch night could offer.  
  
The rings on his staff jingled once more and Miroku shook his head. So this was how it felt to be so utterly confused. Not even his thoughts made sense anymore. The stone was getting too heavy. It would surely drag him down to the ground; rake his body against the grass until his physical self was just as bruised and beaten as his psyche. What an existence to be faced with. In order to protect the one he loved, he was forcibly gagged and bound, left squirming about on the side of the road as he watched her walk off with a flippant disregard for the man who couldn't overcome his fierce pride and admit his feelings.  
  
No. That wasn't him. That was Inuyasha. Dear gods, he was flying so high in the world of secret confessions that he was swept up in the world of other men who couldn't open their mouths and let the stone roll away. Now he was one of them and had been one for quite some time now. He was under her spell and didn't want to disenchant himself from the powerful runes she chanted with every exhalation, with every step, blink of her eye, swing of her hair.  
  
He fell to his knees and pounded the ground with his right hand. His right hand. Naraku. His terrible future. Bastard. His curse. Damn the world. It was getting bigger, just like his granite jawbreaker, and would surely swallow him whole if he couldn't tell her that he wanted her, so badly that he would risk her feelings to repent on her glorious alter. The times had come and gone. His lips continued to hunger for hers, to find some connection in their kindred spirits. Fate, cruel fate, what thing had he ever done to it?  
  
Miroku felt a hand at his shoulder. That gentle touch. Those fingers he had dreamt of; those calloused fingers worn raw against the rawhide leather from her weapon of choice. They should be in his palms, on his cheek, over his chest.  
  
"Houishi-sama?"  
  
The monk lifted his head, rose slowly, and dusted his knees clean of the barbs and dust clods that were attracted to faded purple. "I'm fine," he didn't address her, but his staff, focusing his eyes on some stray rays of sunshine playing on the six rings.  
  
Sango took a tentative step back, noting the firm line he held his mouth in. "Even so,"  
  
Closing his eyes, he turned his head so as to meet the soft gaze that she was bathing him in. "I'm fine Sango," he broke the line with a quick smile, "Really."  
  
She shrugged indifference, but the tightly crossed arms spoke of disbelief. "What ever you say, it's just that,"  
  
"I tripped."  
  
"It looked like you collapsed."  
  
"I assure you Sango," He withdrew the lecherous hand that was snaking out from under his robes. "I tripped, that's all."  
  
But that stubbornness that he adored ignored the reassurance. "It's just that you were standing one second, and then bam. Down on the ground."  
  
As if to save him from the agony of lying through his teeth and chewing on the limestone cud, a dog demon shouted, "HEY!!! What are you two doin back there? Get your asses in gear!"  
  
"We're coming!" Sango shouted back, holding a hand against her chest while the other waved back in confirmation. The smile vanished as she drew nearer to the monk, her voice dropping several decibels. "But first I want to know what happened,"  
  
Miroku closed his eyes, feeling the vein over his left brow starting to pound with a fury. "I tripped, call it a moment of clumsiness. Now let's catch up quick before Inuyasha comes back to get us himself." He started to move away and collect his thoughts, but was held back by her hand.  
  
"Don't move monk," "EH?"  
  
She moved to fill his vision, her face painted with lines of question and uncertainty. He gulped again.  
  
"Sango?"  
  
Her eyes narrowed as she jabbed a pointer finger squarely into the knot of his robes and she leaned ever closer into his personal bubble, piercing it with a large pop that only Miroku could hear.  
  
"You know you've been awfully clumsy lately."  
  
Thank the heavens! It was merely an observation, no accusation. He wanted to dance for joy but held back and breathed a great sigh of relief instead.  
  
"I think-"  
  
Inuyasha was yelling again, so Miroku couldn't quite catch Sango's thought as it flew out of her mouth and was overcome by the angry barks from the horizon.  
  
"WE HAVE TO MAKE IT THERE BY SUNDOWN!"  
  
As the two could already tell, the sky around them was well into the stages of a bleeding sunset. A great gash of purple in the skies gaped open above their heads giving a glimpse into the ectoplasmic swirl of celestial cells. For a moment he allowed himself to ignore the plea from his friend and marvel at the workings of the world. How many stars were there? How many worlds apart were they hurtling into the deepness of space?  
  
How many more minutes could he stall Sango's accusation?  
  
With a hesitant nod, he looked her square in the eye and crossed his arms over his chest. "You were saying Sango?"  
  
Sango as well shook her head, trying to keep her focus and met his steady gaze. "I was saying that you don't really seem like yourself since we left the last village. Just what's with you?"  
  
Ah yes, the last village. How dare fate bring him so close to her glittering eyes blinking out the moonbeams. Something inside had snapped. That same something had also managed to move the rock in his mouth and make Miroku even more aware that he had some sort of stone sitting on the tip of his tongue, begging to roll out each time he took his place by her side. Only this time he knew what that something was.  
  
Minutes that lasted for only the blink of an eye stretched into hours with his sharp memory. Every detail down to the most minute scent in the air wafted about his nose. He walked in that kind of pink haze that only the lost can dare step foot in. However he walked it with a sense of pride, knowing that the carnation petals his sandals touched were cherished memories that he could invoke to combat the most lonely of his nights.  
  
* * *  
  
Deep in a little cleft between a steep mountain and a hill that arched suddenly as if in protest to the sudden rise in the landscape there was a little village. The tiny river that irrigation had forced to trickle through its center was its only claim to fame for its waters were truly the most beautiful, crisp to the taste, clear to the eyes, and pure to the soul.  
  
And it was here that Inuyasha decided to bed down for the night after a long day of wandering the countryside searching for jewel shards.  
  
The group practically marched into the town center, completely ignoring the oohs and ahs of gawking folk who had never seen a demon who wasn't ransacking the place. Inuyasha greeted each with a low growl warning that this was not the day to bring up the "cute ears" or "demon eyes" while Kagome nodded politely to the passersby. Indeed they had nearly killed themselves, yet again, to save an innocent and profited from it with a new shard that the monk behind the two in the front had hidden between his forefinger and thumb.  
  
"It's hard not to look," Sango whispered to him, as she became part of the center stage attraction. She still wore her battle suit, the exterminator's mask hanging limply around her neck. Apparently none of these people had seen the likes of her before for tentative hands reached to admire her boomerang. "Imagine what we look like to them,"  
  
Miroku couldn't say anything nor should he. He was dearly looking forward to a night of rest and relaxation.not to mention a wall dividing the women from the men. The previous night they had slept beneath a starry sky, each curling up the nearest warm body and this happened to form the perfect pairs. He had long since given up the pursuit of Kagome, though he still found it fun to tease her once in a while when her guard-dog wasn't around. So of course as soon as the blankets were spread, Inuyasha and Kagome shared one with Shippo standing watch, while he Sango, and Kirara shared the other. At first she had turned her back on him, drawing herself into a protective fetal position. Distrustful of the lecherous priest perhaps. But as the night wore on and the weather turned a tad cooler, she rolled over to face him. She was asleep of course, but it was then that he had admired her in her sleep and dually noted that her mouth had the tendency to tremble as if in throes of tears. Scooting closer, he had rested on his left elbow, pulled back her hair, and stroked her cheek ever so softly so that she flinched but did not make the move to bat away the feather or insect or whatever it would be interpreted as in her dream. The trembling stopped and was replaced with a tiny smile. He remembered chuckling then and relaxed back onto his arm, his bare hand supporting his head. He had just watched her sleep and when she continued to roll into him, he did not complain. By the time the sun had risen and the stars had scattered, Kagome found Miroku on his back with Sango draped into his casual embrace.  
  
After the attack and the rescue Miroku was determined to talk about what had happened, but was now feeling guilty for whatever it was that made him do it. He wasn't supposed to have these deep feelings seeded within a want for something more. No, he was supposed to be satisfied with a wanderer's lifestyle, never being tied down because you know that eventually the strings will be loosened and you'll be free again.sigh.  
  
Once they had found a suitable inn, Miroku muttered something about feeling a black presence and the poor innkeeper practically signed the entire estate over on the spot to the Monk of Buddha to make it disappear.  
  
"Gee Miroku, how convenient,"  
  
The monk looked up from his rice with a smile, "I believe you are already well acquainted with my methods Inuyasha,"  
  
"Well, I don't believe that a monk should use such methods," Sango sniffed drowsily over her warm sake. The volume dropped so that only his ears could hear the "Especially one like you,"  
  
He watched with fascination as her gaze shifted from that of a harsh reproach to a distant look that pierced his inner core. The moment was over with a momentary squabble across the table between Inuyasha and Shippo over the last spoonful of Miso soup. Each of their eyes snapped to the front, refusing to make contact with the other set.  
  
Rolling her eyes, Kagome stretched and yawned. She excused herself and Shippo followed her. Shrugging, Inuyasha retreated to her room to assume his role of protector and savior even in her dreams. Kirara settled into the corner of the room, nestled into a pillow that she had dragged over with her. This basically left the exterminator and the monk alone with rice and sake in hand.  
  
"."  
  
"."  
  
Miroku chanced a glance her way and caught her doing the exact same thing. Heads snapped to the front and they both ate and drank silently.  
  
"I'm going for a soak," Sango announced after setting down her cup. She rose and waited just a second too long before leaving. He knew it was safe to follow her.  
  
* * *  
  
"About today," Sango started in the moonlight. They were seated on a bench beside the largest part of the river. Its bank was draped in overhanging vines, ringed by large Cherry Trees, and serenaded by Cicadas. "I'm grateful for what you did,"  
  
He was about to ask, but then remembered their latest adventure. Up against a large demon hell-bent on the murder of a maiden, Sango had fought with all her training and experience. However one slight miscalculation had led to her being pinned against the mountainside by a scaly green claw. Without even thinking, Miroku body-slammed the thing and after having regained some sort of hold on his mind, let his air-void loose. Just as the creature was going for his throat, he sucked it in, wrapping it closed before Sango returned the favor by flying into his arms having been caught in the power of the vacuum. She hugged him hard before he set her down.and during all that time he had never once tried anything with her.  
  
He swallowed. "Anyone would have done the same."  
  
She looked over at the water and smiled. "I just wanted to thank you." Her brown eyes shone amber in the moonlight. "You saved my life."  
  
"You've saved mine before," he leaned over his knees, uncomfortable with their uneasy conversation. "I was just returning the favor."  
  
"Even so,"  
  
"Sango?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Why did you let the wind take you?"  
  
Sango appeared to choke on her own tongue. She shifted under her normal clothes, moved her clasped hands from sitting below her chest to her knees. "I didn't let it take me, I just lost my footing,"  
  
"No experienced exterminator would let such a little thing take them, you could've dragged your feet, or braced against-"  
  
"But I didn't," she hung her head, not in shame but in something else. This wasn't just a matter of skill; this was a matter of the heart.  
  
"Did you want to touch me?"  
  
She looked up at him through divided bangs and Miroku envisioned himself standing outside of his own body, giving himself a good stare-down. "Forgive me, that came out of nowhere."  
  
She was silent for what seemed like a lifetime, and then spoke with a quiet shake of her head. "No, I can't forgive you,"  
  
"Wha-"  
  
"Because I can't forgive myself," "You can't.?"  
  
"Could you?"  
  
Strangely enough he wasn't confused. He understood perfectly.  
  
"I know that I can't play second to a life's calling,"  
  
"And I understand that the life of a demon exterminator is not easy." The stone shrunk slightly.  
  
She stood, looking out over the water. He rose and came up behind her, tempted to give her a friendly pat, but resisted and placed the hand on her shoulder instead. Relaxing under his touch, she turned around to face him, the tears clearly visible.  
  
"Help me Miroku.what's wrong?"  
  
He shook his head in disbelief, "You've never called me that before,"  
  
"Not when I'm speaking to you no,"  
  
"What do you need," he lifted his hand from her shoulder and softly caressed her cheek with his fingertips like he had the night before. "M- Sango?"  
  
She pulled his right hand down with her left and stepped a little closer to him. "To know that-" she wound her hands into the folds of his robe, pulling him to her. "That you-"  
  
Her lips trembled in the near proximity of his, and he subconsciously licked his lips when she closed her eyes, expecting a kiss that would answer their problems.  
  
He didn't want to say it, he knew he shouldn't, but instead of hungrily accepting hers, his lips formed the first syllable of that accursed name, "Na,"  
  
Sango froze with a shudder and dropped her head to rest below his chin. Wrapping his arms about her body, he pressed his head into her neck and shared a mutual sigh of frustration and longing.  
  
* * *  
  
There was a waving in front of his eyes and suddenly Miroku was back in the here and now, not the then and past. She was no longer the fragile creature that he had held so carefully in his arms for fear of crushing her. Not the rough and tumble physical body, but the psyche that governed it. It would hurt far more if he were to break her will for just a moment of pleasure than to spend the rest of his short life wanting her and sucking on his granite pacifier.or would it?  
  
"Sango, I didn't trip," he confided rather loudly with her inches away from his face, waving a frantic hand to bring him back out of his nightmarish memories. "I just couldn't take it anymore,"  
  
She nodded as if she knew how it felt to be this desperate, just barely hanging on to all rational thought of possibilities and outcomes. He was hanging onto a thread woven from the power of truth in her answer.  
  
"I don't really know how to say this," he rolled the earth under his right sandal. "But I don't know what else to do. You want me to save you, but I can't even save myself."  
  
"Houishi-sama?"  
  
He pressed his eyelids down hard, so hard that they felt sealed for eternity and would never be opened. He continued with eyes shut to save himself from whatever emotions she would be going through. "It was alright when I suffered alone, but to see the people that I trust and love suffer because of me, it tears me up inside."  
  
"The fact that you push us away doesn't make it any easier."  
  
"I can't get attached, it's not," he shook slightly as he cut the air with his right hand. "It's not safe for anyone."  
  
He didn't realize that he had his hands covering his face until he felt Sango's fingers prying his palm away from his cheek. Her breath from "It's not safe for anyone anymore," struck him through the gaps. Her grasp on his hand was firm, but subtle, warning him of the decision he'd have to make eventually. Should he acknowledge the dreadful reality or take a hiatus in the confusion of the mind? He played dumb to let the question percolate in his mind as well as to feel her touch his cursed hand. However once she accomplished this, she pinned them to his sides.  
  
"Sang-" Miroku started glancing down at how she had forced his hands down as both protection against a lecherous attack and as a way to limit distractions. But her chest pressing against his, the chocolate brown eyes earnestly staring into his own stopped him.  
  
"Listen to me Houishi-sama." Her elbows suddenly locked. He knew she was going to dislodge her own stone and nothing was going to stop her. "Pain is nothing new to any of us. You mustn't let that govern your life. To live in fear of it is to never live at all."  
  
"I don't," Miroku squeezed his eyes shut, felt tears filter through the lashes despite his attempt to hold them back. "I don't want to see you in pain,"  
  
"No one ever wants to see others in pain. It's our nature."  
  
"No." Miroku pulled their hands behind him, drawing her into his embrace as her elbows eased around his waist. "When that monster had you in his grasp, something inside me woke up. It stirred even more with you flying into my arms. And watching you sleep, well,"  
  
Sango bit her lip to keep from yelling at him about that, or so he thought. He continued, looking down at her with a sense of peace radiating inside his heart. The stone was practically falling out of his mouth now.  
  
"Miroku,"  
  
"Sango, don't stop me,"  
  
"I don't want to," Their lips were so close that the slightest breeze might push them together. "Not now, not ever,"  
  
Uncertain, Miroku leaned in a little and pressed his lips to hers. She responded by going rigid, receiving the kiss as if she were a statue and he just an enamored admirer or her ceramic beauty.  
  
Immediately he froze, thinking of the worse. Perhaps she wasn't ready; perhaps she didn't want it as much he thought she did. Or maybe, just maybe she wasn't at all sure of what was to happen next. With this moment their lives were now forever intertwined, as he expected them to be regardless of what physical interactions that might have come later. Except now was later. They were standing at the side of the road in an embrace that had been long coming since the day they had set eyes on each other. Since the day he had secretly watched her flare up at the sight of him begging yet another woman. Since that night at the castle when he had felt his heart turn over at the very idea of his Sango being taken away from him by some idiot-prince.  
  
He began to pull away when he felt her frozen mouth start to move. Her lips parted slowly, giving Miroku enough time to think about what to do next. But his mind was overcome with raging emotions and desires that begged to be satisfied. He could feel her heart pounding against his chest, becoming aware that his own was racing against her left breast. She tilted her head to the right and leaned her head back, letting him kiss her.  
  
It was almost too much. She tasted of fresh spring water and honey, quenching his thirst and at the same time making him hunger for another drip of sweetness on his tongue. His hands slid across her back, finding their way to her waist and cemented her to him as cursed hand grasped a hold of the left. He had rolled the stone into her mouth for sure and as if to spit it out, Sango broke the kiss, breathing heavily.  
  
"Forgive me," she sighed bowing her head to rest under his chin.  
  
"Who needs to be forgiven for living," he replied raising his right hand and stroking her cheek with the back of it, "My Sango."  
  
Lifting her head up, she brushed her lips against his cheek and leaned back in his embrace.  
  
"I humbly apologize for any pain I have caused you,"  
  
"As do I."  
  
He waited silently. "Or any pain I will cause for you in the future,"  
  
"The future is tomorrow," Her lips caught his and kissed them softly. Drawing away, she breathed "Let us live for today. Life is too short when taken in whole."  
  
Allowing himself a small smile, Miroku nodded, "I promise you this Sango, I'll live every day with you as if it were my last,"  
  
"No, don't do that,"  
  
"What?"  
  
Her brown eyes shimmered with young tears. "You can do so much good, don't waste your time on me.I'm already lost."  
  
"I meant what I said before," He caught her chin between forefinger and thumb, forcing her to watch him as he choked out the words. "I understand that the life of an exterminator is a hard one, but Sango I've had to deal with so much pain in the past that nothing could be worse than a future without you."  
  
"Oh, Miroku,"  
  
"Let Naraku have our fates," he rested his forehead against hers, "not our hearts."  
  
"I love you,"  
  
In their minds each was stripped of all defense. But Miroku hugged her even harder, gathering every bit of her into his arms so that when the time came, he would be able to faithfully say that he had loved her. But he didn't want to do it without her knowing how he felt.  
  
Without hesitation he whispered, "I love you," back to her.  
  
They stayed like that for awhile until by the light of the moon a hanyou and his shard-detector came upon the pair.  
  
"Aw,"  
  
"Feh." The dog demon crossed his arms over his chest and stared up into the stars.  
  
"Ya know Inuyasha, it might help you to face your feelings for once."  
  
"Uh huh."  
  
"I wonder what it's going to be like," Kagome thought aloud, letting the first subject drop. "Now that they're FINALLY together,"  
  
"I imagine it's going to be just the same except that after fights they'll disappear and we'll be left waiting for them to catch up to us."  
  
"Don't you guys have lives?"  
  
The two turned to the couple intently staring down black and gold eyes.  
  
"Yes, it's only a matter of time before you let your own stone roll Inuyasha," Miroku coughed as both he and Sango disengaged themselves from their long embrace.  
  
"Eh?" Inuyasha cocked a confused brow, nonetheless understanding what the Monk had just said.  
  
"As for Sango and I, nothing will be different," he extended his left hand, awaiting her right. As she placed her hand over his, he smiled. Yes, nothing will be different with the exception of his empty mouth, completely devoid of any granite gobstopper, or his lonely nights that wouldn't be quite so lonely anymore. No, it would be as it had always been, but this time he would have her kiss to comfort him when his curse weighed too heavily on his mind. And later when their fate was cleared of any semblance of Naraku, he wouldn't need to beg her to bear his child.Oh, that was another mental complex all in itself.  
  
* * * Hope ya liked it! I'm pretty happy with it no matter what kind of criticism I get but even so, bring on the reviews! I'd love to know what people think of this new style!  
  
I DO NOT OWN Miroku, Sango, Inuyasha, Kagome or any copyrighted character from the Inuyasha series created by Rumiko Takehashi. However I'm allowed to play with them and I do occasionally along with characters from my own imagination. I own nothing but my right to write so if you sue you'll get nothing! I'm dirt poor! ^_^ 


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